Crawl out through the fallout

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The other day Louise sent me this pic saying it was my blog. Oh how accurate.

In other news my finals are over and all I have to do is await my awful results. In the meantime I’ve just been alternating between Fallout 4 and Dota 2. Life is mediocre but I’ve at least managed to fix my body clock — I crash at 1 AM and wake up from 8-10 AM which is something I haven’t done since, what, primary school? I amaze myself.

Fallout 4 is quite engaging though. In a way not much has changed from FO3 and New Vegas but whatever has been added I appreciate — the crafting/mods system, the settlements system, okay, maybe not so much the new perks system. The major problem that’s keeping me from finishing the game, besides the sheer amount of side quests and content, is which faction to ally with. Right now I’m in good books with all of them, but I just can’t bring myself to pick one.

Spoilers ahead.

The Minutemen: basically the “goodest” of the “good guys”. But they’re like rednecks and hilbillies compared to the rest and that just makes me lol and not want to help them. They seem the least vengeful and angry though.

The Institute: MY SON. I can understand why they’re doing what they do? Plus I’d choose to live there any day than mope around a radioactive wasteland. But they treat synths like tools when they’re… basically human. *PH1101E commences*

The Railroad: I might just side with them just because Deacon is awesome. They’re like the freedom fighters? Liberators? Revolutionaries? I don’t even know. But sometimes they seem way too idealistic and probably would torch the Institute indiscriminately huh.

The Brotherhood: I kind of hate the way their faction is organized — like seriously I cannot get behind any kind of militaristic system ugh it just pisses me off, what with ranks and “don’t talk back to me recruit”. Probably my least favorite as of now, I only played along with them to romance Danse. The upside is they have the big guns and power armor.

Sigh. How. At this rate I’ll never finish the game.

daoko – GIRL | an analysis pt. 1

Recently I watched the unexpected “sequel” to the infamous anime music video “ME!ME!ME!” (TeddyLoid feat. daoko) and was blown away. In my opinion, GIRL completely blows ME!ME!ME! out of the park in terms of imagery and symbolism — there’s just so much chaos going on in GIRL that makes it a joy for me to pick apart. Of course everything I’m going to write in the rest of this post is just subjective, but hopefully it makes an interesting read for people who are interested in the meaning behind the video.

First impressions — the video itself is gorgeous. So much color and vibrancy and psychedelic sparkle. I want to screenshot every frame of this video and make it my desktop wallpaper. A lot of people are saying the girl in question — long, straight, turquoise hair with bangs — is supposed to be the demon minion chick from ME!ME!ME! but it doesn’t really make much sense to me plus there are a few distinct design differences (the sharp cat-eye, for one) and not enough parallels drawn to the original to make me think this is convincing. She seems to be modeled after daoko, instead.

I’m just going to state my theory here — this music video is about enjo kousai (援助交際). The protagonist is lonely and suffers from low self-esteem, some common traits of girls who participate in enkou. She seeks refuge from loneliness by entering a fantasy world of her own creation, attempting to make the things she does for companionship and validation beautiful in hopes of disguising what they really are and how she really feels about them.

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Crying / Dying

I hate the fact that my tears are elicited so easily. I’m weak and I know it.

Part of me really, really wants to go see someone — a counselor, a psychiatrist, a doctor — about the shit that’s going on with me internally now but I know that once I reach the little room and am sat in front of an unfamiliar person the tears just won’t stop flowing and I’ll break down in an incoherent puddle of my own disgust and self-loathing. It’s pathetic. I’ve become an emotional mess at the most inappropriate times, scholarship interviews, public buses, restaurants. It’s so humiliating but I can’t stop myself, all I can do is grit my teeth and wait for my tears to run dry, while people stare at me and I try to look away.

It’s pathetic. It’s so, so pathetic. Yet strangely cathartic. In the midst of a depressive episode completely breaking down and losing control can be so freeing. I’ve sobbed myself hoarse alone at 3 AM in bed on multiple occasions — it’s rare that you get to vocalize your own sadness in such a… raw manner. Like a rollercoaster of pent-up emotion on its final plunge before it’s back to square one, you’re on the lift again to the next peak.

I can always sense it coming. Maybe it’s an anxiety attack, or just a premonition. My heart beats so hard I fear it will burst through my ribcage. It only takes a nudge — a text, a picture, a tap on the shoulder — to start the waterworks and send me spiralling into sadness (or is it madness?).

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I saw an ad about it today on Twitter by the local NGO Samaritans of Singapore.

It hit me that I had their SOS number saved in my phone. I don’t remember why.

Hello Mondays

Haven’t written in a while — almost a month — and it’s 2AM on one of my two free days this week, so I guess it’s time for word vomit. School has been going swimmingly, at least, more so than the past two semesters. I’m on my game for tutorials, maybe not for my lectures, but hey I’m keeping up and hopefully I can keep this up without crashing and burning as I usually do.

I wouldn’t say I’ve completely beaten my depression, but one instance really, truly made me feel triumphant. Just the same old feeling of weights being strapped to my chest as I lay fully awake at 8 in the morning, with an attendance-graded tutorial class only two hours away. The night before I had in a fit of suppressed hopelessness swore to myself (with my boyfriend as witness) that I would not skip any tutorials this semester. And I had to keep to it. After a few minutes of lying semi-serenely in bed contemplating all the possible outcomes of the tempting notion of skipping school it felt like the chains binding me to my bed slowly, reluctantly, came undone. Like a key had inched its way into the bowels of a creaky lock and released whatever it was that was constricting me. It doesn’t sound like much, but I was victorious for an unremarkable fraction of a second. The rest was just the mechanical process of getting ready to leave the house, trudging to the bus stop and hoping I didn’t bump into anyone I recognized for the rest of the day/my life. The class was blah but at least I managed to get myself to it, and that in itself was enough to pump me up for the rest of the week.

Small steps. Small steps. Small steps. I can kill this eventually, right? Is that what this wetness in my eyes is telling me?

Life is Strange: Go Fuck Your Selfie

So I finally caved and bought Life Is Strange, DONTNOD’s (known for Remember Me) Telltale-esque game about choice and, most significantly, time. I’ve been following the series on and off on YouTube — blasphemy, I know — since it came out but the story was just so compelling that I wanted to play the game just to experience things firsthand. Funnily enough this was also the way I ended up buying Telltale’s The Walking Dead game. I guess I’m just a sucker for story games with choices that actually make a difference in its plot.

At the moment I’ve only finished episode one but I’ll get to the rest as soon as I can (probably after I finish writing this and sleep). I just wanted to put some words down about something in Life Is Strange that I thought was kind of interesting — Max’s selfies.

Spoilers under cut.

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